You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
