I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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