just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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