I hate all girls vehemently.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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