so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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