I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
