A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
