i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
