I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
