Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have fence marks all over my body
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
All the doctor said was why
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
