You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
