someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
