her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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