remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
is it fun? or sober?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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