Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
