Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
