When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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