ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
