I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
