Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he was CRYING into my vagina
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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