I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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