pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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