a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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