So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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