There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
