he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
