I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
