drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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