Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
