3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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