Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
