i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
