I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
