i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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