I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
