Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
