If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
