im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
