i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
