my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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