I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
