guys are only as good as the porn they watch
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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