I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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