doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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