Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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