She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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