i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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