literally had 100 drinks last night.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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