awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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