so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
