this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
