wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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