I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
