I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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