I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
