I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize