Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
